It is so hard right now. This. What you are going through. It very well may be the toughest thing you have ever done. Sometimes, you think to yourself "I cannot go on for another minute. This will break me. I am suffocating under the weight of these choices. I'm spiraling out of control..."
You feel confused and sad because this is so very difficult. Will it ever end? Will you be happy again? Will you ever get back to those moments of peaceful joy that you so desperately miss?
People say there is a light at the end of the tunnel but in our darkest moments, we say no. There is not. There cannot be because this suffering is incessant. Every day brings something else.
But there is. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and no matter what, one day at a time we will get through this. Everything is at the mercy of God's grace. God who has everything under control and who has taught us that we have nothing under our control. Morning always follows night and spring always follows even the coldest of winters. The light is there at the end of the tunnel but we must keep walking. Keep reaching out for it. Never lose a relationship with our loving Father. Even while we are in our Garden of Gethsemane.
When I'm suffering I tend to feel guilty for not buckling down and offering it up. I feel guilty to hate the suffering because I know others are suffering more than me. I feel guilty asking God what I really want to ask Him...to take it all away.
Then I remember that Christ- fully God and fully Man- asked His father to take it away. What a profound act of humility! If Christ begged His Father for this, then I must also!
Far from disappointing God, our 'let this cup pass' prayer is an incredible act of faith, trust, and total dependence. It is declaring our littleness. Being reduced to such lowliness, rendering ourselves totally incapable is expressing confidence in the omnipotence of God. It is in that moment He so generously lavishes our souls with the balm of grace we need to press on.
Everyone has the same experience whether we share it or whether we keep it to ourselves. We all have moments in our lives where we feel like we are crushed under the weight of our cross. Remember, we are not called to be perfect and we have no control over anything. We are little, helpless, weak- and that is beautiful.
Sometimes all we can do is clench our teeth and say 'Jesus I trust in You' but keep saying it! When we feel overcome, then we must refocus and take one day at a time. Try to find the tiniest moment of peace in our day to plant a small seed of gratitude.
Small seeds of gratitude grow joy and joy is squelches fear. There are many things to fear. Things that will happen that we cannot control. Kids will be sick, loves will be lost, someone will get hurt, disaster may strike, trials will come.
But things are going to be okay. Everything we ask the Lord for in prayer, He will either give us or He will change our desires. What Father gives their children a stone when they are starving and ask for bread?
Even on the most difficult days, still proclaim 'Jesus I trust in You!' say it, even if you don't feel it. Then take a deep breath and be very little in the arms of your Heavenly Father who will not leave any of His children alone and afraid. “Not my will, by Thy will be done”.
He will rescue you and give you the grace you need. He will answer the longings of your heart.
